How the Wes Was Won (With $12 Million), McDonald's Expands Its Menu, Women Writers on Television, How We Can Know Anything At All, and Alex Smith (Officially) Departs the 49ers

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Really, Wes? Ditching the devastatingly handsome Tom Brady for his archnemesis Peyton Manning? I'd recommend not trying to get a drink anywhere in New England again. Like, ever. I'll let my girlfriend Lauren, a proud and lifelong Patriots fan (and also the author of the headline "How the Wes Was Won"), take this one: "I knew when his mustache got wider than his receiving, he was lost forever. He gripped those handlebars and headed west. RIP." For a more objective take on this sickening betrayal please feel free to read ESPN's version of events. As a 49ers fan, however, I think the Patriots aren't going to suffer too terribly, signing Danny Amendola to a five-year deal. That guy was a royal pain in my ass last season and I imagine the Jets, Bills, and Dolphins will soon feel the same way, along with many others. I just can't wait for the awkward post AFC Championship game encounter between Welker and Brady. "Should have stuck with the winning team, babe."

In an equally gut-wrenching story, Gawker has reported that a two-year-old ate a used condom at a McDonald's. This piece is worth reading for the final lines alone. Have to love classy reporting like this. I tip my hat to you, Gawker.

Now for some truly groundbreaking journalism: the Atlantic's Jamie Tarabay apparently spent a few hours of her life writing an article about the "similarities between Carrie Bradshaw and Hannah Horvath." Quite truly, I'd never picked up on any parallels between these characters or their respective shows! Just amazing insight on display here! Oh, and House of Cards' Zoe Barnes makes her way into this piece, too, so that it can be about women writers on TV and our "puzzling" fascination with them. (In all seriousness, it's not a terrible article.)

And if Wes Welker's betrayal, used condoms, and women writers on television don't float your boat, n+1 put up a truly intriguing article about Julian Jaynes and the existential question "How can we know anything at all?" Exploring Jayne's lone text, The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind (which is described thusly: "Drawing on evidence from neurology, archaeology, art history, theology, and Greek poetry, Jaynes captured the experience of modern consciousness—“a whole kingdom where each of us reigns reclusively alone, questioning what we will, commanding what we can”—as sensitively and tragically as any great novelist") and his thoughts on the development of consciousness, the article is definitely worth a read.

Also, according to the Atlantic Wire the Ukraine did not in fact lose any of its trained killer dolphins. No need to cancel that snorkeling trip to the Black Sea.

And, finally, so that my dear girlfriend does not have to suffer alone, Bleacher Report put up a fine article on the official departure of Alex Smith. I'm honestly torn on how to feel about all of this: Colin Kaepernick is a phenomenal quarterback and proved himself worthy of being QB1, but it was Alex Smith who was at the helm during the revitalization of the 49ers after a terrible dark period (granted, with a fair amount of help from Jim Harbaugh). Any way it finally shakes out for me, Alex Smith was a wonderful 49er (yes, it took him time to shine, but the fault for this does not lie with him alone, and he stuck it out when others would have bolted and more than proved his worth in the end) and acted like a true gentleman throughout his tenure (being booed by the 49er Faithful for years, during the off season when the 49ers flirted with Peyton Manning, and most tellingly when he was benched after being injured) when many would have thrown adolescent hissy fits. I'll miss you, Alex. Thank you for all you did. I hope you and Andy Reid prove all the haters wrong next season. Go Chiefs.