What is the point anymore?
It's 2016. We're like three years away from the events of Blade Runner. Aren't we meant to be "better people" by now? Or something? Yet a noxious bully is seriously contending for a presidential run (and skipped a debate because a Republican woman asked him difficult questions about his ugly public statements about women), the Oscars seem to be run by people who cross the street if they see a person of color walking their direction, an entire town in Michigan was misled into believing their water was safe and that their elected officials cared about their wellbeing, and "pharma bro" just tried to insult someone in the Wu-Tang Clan.
This is clown-type shit. And, furthermore, we can't get enough of it. These stories inform our cynical gallows humor, and don't pretend that isn't what it is. No matter how the 2016 election pans out, I think we all know something is very wrong. Like Weekend at Bernie's wrong. We may be laughing at the horrors presented to us as comedy, but that doesn't make Bernie Lomax—or our souls—any less dead.
But why the hell not, right? I mean, we didn't start the fire (it was always burning, since the world's been turning). Fuck it. This whole existence thing is just meant to a Frenchman's absurd joke anyways. Let's throw some more gasoline on the raging blaze, help to warm up those polar ice caps a bit more.
Speaking of our planet's poles, you already know that B.o.B. doesn't believe the earth is round, but you may not have seen that The Atlantic decided to turn this insanity into an article somewhat defending fringe science.
"[#FlatEarth is] not really about exposing a supposed scientific 'fraud,' it doesn’t have a political or religious agenda, and it’s not out to stop professional scientists from doing their important work and applying what they learn to improve the world. It’s just a bunch of amateur theorists trying their best to feel at home in the universe, in a way many scientists might well recognize if they let themselves."
Ah, yes. See, I get this. I have a complex mythology created around how people get colds and flus which involves the way crows caw at people as they pass under them, because I can't see germs, but I can see those pesky, mischievous crows. Hopefully doctors around the world will "recognize" my desire to just "feel at home in the universe," which for the most part baffles and frightens me.
I'm sure, however, Lizzie Wade's editor was thrilled at the page views that poured in. Go journalism! (And thank the stars for Neil Degrasse Tyson.)
Not to be outdone by the craziness of another rapper, Kanye West decided to lose his shit all over Wiz Khalifa, for reasons beyond our mere mortal understanding or comprehension. Ye has since deleted most of his more barbed tweets, but, luckily, they live on. (The internet never forgets, never forgives.) Here are a few of my favorite lines from the updated Gospel of Yeezus:
"You have distracted from my creative process"
"I went to look at your twitter and you were wearing cool pants"
He apparently screen grabbed these pants and sent them to his style team. (Point Khalifa? I'm confused.) Oh, and after a while, Kanye started numbering his points.
"3rd no one I know has ever listened to one of your albums all the way through"
Which is true. If you've listed to a Wiz Khalifa album all the way through, there are some people at This City of Islands who would love to talk to you about your fascinating and strange life.
"8th I made it so we could wear tight jeans"
Dear Cheap Monday/3x1/any fashion line with tight jeans: this is a gift. You could, if you so choose, devise an entire ad campaign around this one line. It would be ironic, aloof, current, buzzy, easily Snapchat-able, all those things that a consultant would want a solid six-figures for, and here I am, giving it away for free. (#feelthebern #socialism)
"13th You own waves???? I own your child!!!!"
Oh yes, that's right. The fight started over the title of Kanye's soon-to-be best-selling album, Waves (formerly SWISH). (Out February 11th! Pre-order today!)
Amber Rose—both Kanye's and Khalifa's ex, and the mother of Khalifa's son—said that Kanye bringing up her child in his rant "just shows how fucking ridiculous he is." (Jezebel, not to be left out of the action, goes so far as to suggest that Kanye is still obsessed with his ex.)
Oh, and in closing, Trump allegedly left Tucker Carlson a voice mail a fifteen years back saying, "It’s true you have better hair than I do. But I get more pussy than you do." Don't ever mess with the Donald's hair! He will leave you vulgar voice messages. (Better or worse than a Twitter tirade?)
And here I thought Mercury was out of retrograde. I guess this is just the world we live in.
Congrats, everyone. Great work.